4 years later

Today is my 4th wedding anniversary. I had a great day with the hubs. We went out to eat and just chilled at home (My idea of heaven.) It was just a downright good day. Of course, today brings a lot of things to mind. Like when we had just been married and how I thought that I would just get pregnant the moment I wanted to and I would have a baby or 2 by now. Things didn't turn out the way I planned. It really is upsetting that today, which should have been a wonderful day has been tinged with the awful IF. It's like it's hidden around every corner, I can be happy and having a great time, and then, BOOM, it's in my face again. Will I ever get over that? Even WHEN (not if) I have kids, will I still occasionally get those pings of hurt from IF or does it go away? Will I be an IFer for life? I do know one thing. Anyone dealing with IF is for sure not going to take their children for granted. I know that when it's my time, I will be extremely grateful for my child and the chance I have to have my baby. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I had a good day today, but yet again, I just can't go a day without some sort of IF drama hitting me in the face. On a side note: I just found out that 2 of my DH's cousins are pregnant. One of them has been to jail for drug charges and this is her 2nd child. Just so wonderful that people like that can reproduce. The other one is a good friend of mine. She also went through IF treatments. When she told me, I physically almost got sick. I feel horrible that I can't be happy for her when I'm hurting too bad inside. It's like a sick circle. Wow, that was really random and unorganized thought pattern. It just comes out of my head that way I guess.